Hey Guys,
So as you know my husband and I have had the house on the market for a while now and in an effort to make things easier when we do move I have turned into the crazy cleaning lady from hell.
What I didnt see coming as I started ruthlessly tearing apart wardrobs was the secrets this house truly has and the place I have allowed myself to live in since I moved in with my husband a few years ago.
Now some of you may know the story but for those of you that dont I will breifly summarise. My husband is older then me and had a previous marriage. His first wife had a medical condition called cystic Fibrosis for those of you who havent heard of this. Cf is a condition which effecdts the lungs the life expectantcy of people with this condition is around 30. Women with this condition are usually considered barron and the amount of suffering that surround this illness is huge. Daily physio, relentless pain and struggles to breathe and many hospital visits. A sufferes only hope of a normal life is a full lung Transplant which is obviously like winning the lottery. Victoria my husbands first wife was sadly unable to be put on a transplant list as she caught a blood disease called cepacia during a hospital visit which rulled her out. Tor past away of pnemonia and complications of cf in 2001 at the age of 27. Although I knew this when I started dating my husband and have never felt entirely comfortable or at ease with the whole thing I learnt to push it away and be as sensitive and respectful as I could about it.
Until recently I didn’t know much really I knew she was smart, strong and loved life and of course I knew she loved my husband very much and he her.
Anyway back to the cleaning. So during my cleaning frenzy I came across some papers and notebooks written by Tor. Please dont judge me for what comes next… actually do.. I probably deserve it.
I read them, I couldn’t help it, it was a compulsive thing to do but I did it. it turned out to be well basically a diary of her life. Her relationship with Carl, her friendships and heart ache over fellow sufferes deaths and her struggle to survive. I wish I could take back the fact that I read them but I cant.
I was disturbed to read some similarities between us.. we both desperately want a baby, we both love tigers, we both find carl’s habit of shaking his leg before he falls asleep beyond annoying, she would write Carl letters and give him cards which I do all the time, she also sung him ‘you are my sunshine’ which I find myself doing at times to and the hardest of all to bare is she loved Carl more then life just like I do.
In the last few entries she clearly new her end was close as she humourisly joked of her ” end show’ she wrote about her funeral wishes her love for her family and carl.
Ready for the kicker…. I cant help but be glad she is gone and the guilt of this thought is overwhelming not to mention the others. I am jealous of a dead women… what kind of person does that make me? I often think things like ‘does he love me more?’ , I feel like I will only mean more to him when I have his child and well you all know how well that is turning out. The journals she wrote were written in this house ‘my house’, my lounge room, she cried in my bed room, she coughed until she passed out in my bathroom I cant stop thinking about it its doing my head in. I am creeped out and feel totally eerie and unwelcome in my house.
For those of you who are a bit into this kind of thing I spoke to a clairvoyant friend of mine about it and she said I was suppose to read them and that I am very sensitive of her presence in this house. She also said that she is jealous of me but because I am alive and she is not, she said that she is angry at me at times for getting so depressed and not living as ‘Life is for living’. Apparently I am also absorbing her energy that is still in this house and my dreams maybe affected,. I keep a dream diary and looking back through I was shocked to see that I had dreamed of things Tor had lived and written in her diary. OK so now I am beyond disturbed and a total zombie, I haven’t slept in days and cant stop crying and freaking out. My mind is a total mess. Carl doesn’t know what to do and I feel bad about that as I don’t mean to be punishing him for my own rubbish.
She is gone but she will always have a place with Carl and I am beyond jealous of that. I hate the idea of sharing and since I read such intimate details of their marriage that feeling has grown stronger and I have become totally and utterly overwhelmed with the whole thing.
I know I’m thinking to much and reading too much into all this but for now I cant help it or calm myself.
Im so glad to have an outlet like this to vent such craziness.
I hope this bubbling blog finds you all well.
Please comment and share your advice and or experiences.
Love to all
Who am I ? What’s it all mean ? And what’s the point ?
Am I fun to be around , do I make people feel special, Am I just a bitch Am I fake ? I think we know the answer to the last one at least … It’s a big fat yes!! I haven’t always been that way it’s something that has just developed slowly over time. With various pregnancy announcements , baby showers , births , christenings and birthdays. It’s hards to find happiness for these things again and again when they don’t happen for you . So at times I fake it. Harsh I know.
Recently my hubby and I sat down with my father in law who attempted to give us some advice that I would like to share with you all. The jury is still out on it’s helpfulness. I guess he was trying to make light of our situation.
Before I start I will fill you in on my father in law. Stanislaw is polish , he was born and spent the first few years of his life in a Nazi concentration camp. He later escaped with his family and bordered a ship to Italy , somehow he found his way to Australia and is now a self made man. Stan is rude , arrogant yet a highly intelligent and proud man. My husband and his siblings as you can imagine had an incredibly tough childhood the emotional scars run deeper then the physical however both are there for all to see. Stan’s demeanor has changed over the years, he now lives alone in a huge house, he is clearly lonely and his children don’t speak to him except my husband who loves him warts and all.
So we sat down over dinner and he told us about his views he summed them up by saying there are 3 important words to remember , words to live by and funnily enough they all start with the letter F.
So here goes . If your easily offended please don’t bother reading. However if you are opinionated and love swearing read on.
#1 FAKING . ” Fake it ” Our first F word and one I totally agree is a necessary evil in the world. Even fertiles do it. We all fake it at some point whether it be love, orgasms, happiness, social endeavors, an illness etc. We fake it to keep others happy, to hide our guilt or pain we fake it to be who we want to be to suppress who we really are.
Yes faking is important , we need it and like it or not it’s here to stay .
#2 FUCKING ( swear word ) excuse my language. The second of the 3 F words Fucking , fuck or fucked is a very common internationally used word. It originated in the late 1400s meaning to thrust or copulate but these days it can be used as not only a verb but as a noun , adverb, adjective, imperative and interjection. So if you really want to be obscene you could use it as a whole sentence. I will let you ponder the possibilities yourself. Here is a few ideas to get you started.
Greetings -“How the fuck are ya?”
Fraud- “I got fucked by the car dealer.” Resignation- “Oh, fuck it!”
Trouble -“I guess I’m fucked now.”
Aggression -“FUCK YOU!”
Disgust- “Fuck me.” Confusion -“What the fuck…….?” Difficulty-“I don’t understand this fucking business!”
Despair -“Fucked again…”
Pleasure -“I fucking couldn’t be happier.” Displeasure -“What the fuck is going on here?” Lost-“Where the fuck are we.”
Disbelief-“UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!”
Retaliation- “Up your fucking ass!”
Denial-“I didn’t fucking do it.”
Perplexity-“I know fuck all about it.”
Apathy- “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
It can be used in an anatomical description- “He’s a fucking asshole.”
It can be used to tell time- “It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business- “How did I wind up with this fucking job?”
It can even be maternal- “Motherfucker.”
Try them out. It’s fun.
Yes Fucking is well and truly here to stay and a necessary evil.
I think it’s even how fertiles procreate .. How strange .
Moving on …
#3 FUTILITY ( futile ) “life is futile”
Meaning basically it’s all meaningless , no matter what you do , how you do it in the end we all end up as dust.
This is not to say we shouldn’t all try our best though.
So there you have it the 3 Fs . What are your thoughts? Is life meaningless? Do we need to fake it ? What is the point ? Feel free to comment all comments welcome .
Love to all . Xx J
Kismet or Serendipity 