Hello all.
Just a quick note to you all.
I hope everyone had a great Christmas and wish you all a happy new year with lots of pregnancies and take home babies.
These days I have been thinking less of my tedious struggle with fertility and more about the whole picture. Both good and bad news washes over me with the same flow and I often find myself thinking ” whatever”. I have stopped trying in vein to steer the car that is my life and have developed a sense of trust in the universe. Despite the harshness and pain of it I really believe all is as it should be and all is well.
Although the above paragraph paints my life as quite peaceful at the moment the truth is far from it. However, when is life all Rosie. Besides Rosie is bloody boring.
Let me point out my issues and associated emotions so we can all relate to the craziness that is Christmas. In no particular order.
– I am broke * panic*
-My hubbys grandfather died a few days before Xmas yet we weren’t told until boxing day. Meaning we weren’t at the funeral because we didn’t know there was one *guilt*
-we arrived home yesterday from visiting my dad in another state, I miss him already *sadness *
– My sister broke up with long term partner Xmas eve and is now borderline suicidal *worry*
-still no baby on the horizon *anger*
-various family feuds with SIL and mother that are just so ridiculous and unnecessary. * frustration*
-we are still facing court action for a monumental amount of money. Can’t get blood out of a stone guys * fear*
Upside now. I am alive, I am healthy… besides the off the wall amount of Christmas pudding and trifle I ate the past week. I have a warm bed and a hubby to snuggle and if I’m being really honest I feel the strongest I have in years. It’s all going to be just fine.
Happy 2012 everyone.
Love to all j. Xx
So here I am.
My posts are few and far between I know..
Another year is drawing to a close, the Christmas train coming hell for leather right for me an no baby as yet.
This is normally where I would make my usual woe is me rant. My life sucks.. Where’s my baby? Etc But I have turned a leaf.
I’m not talking about a miraculous mind altering new leaf. No. Just a new leaf a more vibrant green, earth loving leaf.
I have made a conscious decision to correct my negativity. It’s a slow process and at times I still find myself inwardly cursing the town bike and her under nourished children but I have started noticing my thoughts and how they effect me. So now when I find myself thinking why me? I do a 180 and think to myself how I love a challenge and that is truly what this is. A challenge, one that has made me stronger and for that I will be an even better mother.
I have been meditating a lot, using positive affirmations, exercising and distancing myself from things that trigger negativity in me.
It has helped. Infertility or as I like to call it being ” fertility challenged ” will consume you if you let it. Don’t let it.
I am no longer hoping I will have a baby. I am certain I will. I have decided to stop hoping and wishing and just go out there and get it.
I have been hoping for years. Time to try something new.
Sending out positivity to you all …
Lol I sound like Louise Haye.
Love to all
Xx Jess.
Who am I ? What’s it all mean ? And what’s the point ?
Am I fun to be around , do I make people feel special, Am I just a bitch Am I fake ? I think we know the answer to the last one at least … It’s a big fat yes!! I haven’t always been that way it’s something that has just developed slowly over time. With various pregnancy announcements , baby showers , births , christenings and birthdays. It’s hards to find happiness for these things again and again when they don’t happen for you . So at times I fake it. Harsh I know.
Recently my hubby and I sat down with my father in law who attempted to give us some advice that I would like to share with you all. The jury is still out on it’s helpfulness. I guess he was trying to make light of our situation.
Before I start I will fill you in on my father in law. Stanislaw is polish , he was born and spent the first few years of his life in a Nazi concentration camp. He later escaped with his family and bordered a ship to Italy , somehow he found his way to Australia and is now a self made man. Stan is rude , arrogant yet a highly intelligent and proud man. My husband and his siblings as you can imagine had an incredibly tough childhood the emotional scars run deeper then the physical however both are there for all to see. Stan’s demeanor has changed over the years, he now lives alone in a huge house, he is clearly lonely and his children don’t speak to him except my husband who loves him warts and all.
So we sat down over dinner and he told us about his views he summed them up by saying there are 3 important words to remember , words to live by and funnily enough they all start with the letter F.
So here goes . If your easily offended please don’t bother reading. However if you are opinionated and love swearing read on.
#1 FAKING . ” Fake it ” Our first F word and one I totally agree is a necessary evil in the world. Even fertiles do it. We all fake it at some point whether it be love, orgasms, happiness, social endeavors, an illness etc. We fake it to keep others happy, to hide our guilt or pain we fake it to be who we want to be to suppress who we really are.
Yes faking is important , we need it and like it or not it’s here to stay .
#2 FUCKING ( swear word ) excuse my language. The second of the 3 F words Fucking , fuck or fucked is a very common internationally used word. It originated in the late 1400s meaning to thrust or copulate but these days it can be used as not only a verb but as a noun , adverb, adjective, imperative and interjection. So if you really want to be obscene you could use it as a whole sentence. I will let you ponder the possibilities yourself. Here is a few ideas to get you started.
Greetings -“How the fuck are ya?”
Fraud- “I got fucked by the car dealer.” Resignation- “Oh, fuck it!”
Trouble -“I guess I’m fucked now.”
Aggression -“FUCK YOU!”
Disgust- “Fuck me.” Confusion -“What the fuck…….?” Difficulty-“I don’t understand this fucking business!”
Despair -“Fucked again…”
Pleasure -“I fucking couldn’t be happier.” Displeasure -“What the fuck is going on here?” Lost-“Where the fuck are we.”
Disbelief-“UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!”
Retaliation- “Up your fucking ass!”
Denial-“I didn’t fucking do it.”
Perplexity-“I know fuck all about it.”
Apathy- “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
It can be used in an anatomical description- “He’s a fucking asshole.”
It can be used to tell time- “It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business- “How did I wind up with this fucking job?”
It can even be maternal- “Motherfucker.”
Try them out. It’s fun.
Yes Fucking is well and truly here to stay and a necessary evil.
I think it’s even how fertiles procreate .. How strange .
Moving on …
#3 FUTILITY ( futile ) “life is futile”
Meaning basically it’s all meaningless , no matter what you do , how you do it in the end we all end up as dust.
This is not to say we shouldn’t all try our best though.
So there you have it the 3 Fs . What are your thoughts? Is life meaningless? Do we need to fake it ? What is the point ? Feel free to comment all comments welcome .
Love to all . Xx J
So here we are , just about to start october and then Christmas . Yet another Christmas with out a baby
I know I said I wouldn’t get into the Ivf stuff to much on here but here is my latest update anyways
I had a fet on the 1st of spring which failed . Through out my journey i have been diagnosed with endometriosis and my personal favorite factor v leiden. Though my dr told me today FvL is not all bad his words ” Your a survivor ” meaning if I was shot or suffered trauma my blood would clot quicker then most so I wouldn’t bleed out. Downside I have a higher risk of stroke , I have higher risk of miscarriage due to poor blood supply and I have too inject clexane daily in a pregnancy .
Anyway , my follow up appointment today was interesting. I managed to get most questions answered for a change
He has also sent me on another barrage of tests that I have been after for a while including – gluten intolerance. , chromosomal tests and more hormonal and thyroid testing as these were borderline when we started in 2009. He also gave me his blessing to take an aspirin a day to help thin blood.
It takes around a month for chromosomal testing to come back so more waiting !
All in all I feel ok. More tests are comforting. I hope nothing else is wrong.
Hope this update of me finds you all well.
Love to all
So far I haven’t been to good at this blogging thing. I guess I wonder how much to share , how much to let loose. Should I bleed it out , wax the lot . Hey ya”ll tonight the milky bars are on me .
The more I think about what to write the more and more paranoid I become. Who’s hands could my deep dark secrets slip into and how could they use it against me ?? Reality is my life is not that interesting and if this did fall into the wrong hands say an evil sister in law or an old boyfriend out for revenge they couldn’t take much from it. Nothing they don’t already know.
I was diagnosed with anxiety depression young , I remember having panic attacks while riding my bike home from school. I thought I was going to die , the pain in my chest unbearable and the fear of not being able to catch my breath unshakable. I still have nightmares. My dad was in the armed forces , we moved so much I lost count . New schools are tough for anyone but for me it was excruciating. I was painfully shy , tall and skinny . I towered over everyone and felt the world was glaring at me.
Not much has changed I’m still tall relatively thin and pretty shy. I still have panic attacks except my reasons for them have changed. Instead of feeling like a loner, I feel like a failure. I don’t have a career and have no idea what I want to do with my life and I can’t get my body to produce a child I so desperately want. However, I am alive , besides endometriosis and factor v Leiden both of which I have only recently discovered I am healthy so why do I wish sometimes before I go to bed that I won’t wake up the next day. Don’t read to much into that last comment I’m by no means suicidal. I would never do that to my family or my husband . Especially not my husband . See I am his second wife . He married young, his first wife was of course good at everything. She had scores of friends , she had a uni degree she had an amazing career, she was cute , sweet , funny , artistic … ( everything I’m not ) she also had cystic fibrosis. She struggled her whole life to catch her breath , she worked at it everyday. Hours of exercise , therapy and medication. She was on the donor list for a lung transplant when she was hospitalized. During her time in hospital She caught a blood disease. This blood disease caused her name to be taken off the waiting list for a transplant . She died of pneumonia at the age of 27 a common condition of those suffering with cf. They had been married 2 years.
Here I am complaining about not being able to fall pregnant and whinging about my life. When really how lucky am I.
KiSmET.
The welcome WordPress title seemed very fitting so I kept it.
Here I am , baring all in a blog… something I thought I would never do but times are a changing.
I have long avoided the blog for fear I would have nothing interesting at all to say, I have come to realise this doesn’t matter as my goal isn’t so much to have many followers due to my amazing personality (sarcasm) but many listeners. I have come to realise that this is something all you women out there in Infertility land are truly amazing at .. LISTENING.
sometimes listening to your own crazy thoughts gets too much. Its time I share , vent.. RELEASE so to speak and hopefully find some kind of comfort.
So here goes…..
HELLO WORLD!
I’m Jess, I live in a coastal town in Glorious Australia. Close to the beach.
I’m 25 and Married and as you all know im Fertility Challenged. However I am determined not to make this the only focus during my blogs. I am more than my empty womb much more and I need to remind myself of that as well as letting you know.
Besides IVF and all the fun that comes with it my life is pretty great.
I love falling asleep to the sound of the ocean and waking up to its roar, I enjoy day dreaming, my favourite colour is aqua … well today it is , yesterday it was pink and tomorrow who knows. I chop and change depending on my mood. I love all seasons for different reasons though I struggle with summer sometimes.
I believe in god though I have battles with that belief, I think we all have a destiny a KISMET and no matter what we do all roads lead there. So far mine has led me to a lovely husband, a gorgeous and all in all a pretty good life.
I have a mantra, well actually I have a few but one I say to myself all the time. It’s lovingly borrowed from a friend who passed. ”you will get through with STRENGTH , COURAGE AND DETERMINATION’. strength courage and determination have made me who I am , it has made you who you are too. I Wish these three words for you all everyday.
I am learning more about myself and who I am more and more each day . This journey has made me realise I have been lost for a long time and I have only just started to find myself.
I will try to keep all my blogs relatively short and sweet. So enough is enough today. . . More tomorrow, more me !
Please comment , interact ask me questions.
Thank you so much for reading. xx J
Kismet or Serendipity 