Hey tweeps.
I had another urge to pull a card for you all today so I thought I would share what I got.
I have a Archangel Michael oracle deck that I used and I pulled ” be gentle with yourself”. We are so hard on our bodies and minds through our journey to have babies. I think this is to remind us to be kind to ourselves and not just physically but mentally. Honor your sensitivity! we push ourselves so hard at times. I know I personally berate myself eg ” I’m a failure, not a women I can’t even fall pregnant. Etc. Yet I will eat all my veggies and make sure I drink enough water each day. Often the things we tell ourselves are just in our imagination but they damage us deeply. This card serves as a reminder to give yourself a break, know you are doing your best with the situation so slow down take a big deep breath and ” be good to yourself”
This card may also have a personal meaning for some eg
• remove yourself from harsh friendships/ relationships or situations that bring you down
• eat healthy and nourish your body
• avoid toxins
•have quiet time “slow down”
I hope you all get something from this.
Regards Jess.
Googling pmdd my Internet / auto correct changed it to omfg. Which is kind of fitting because that’s what my husband says when I have a “hormonal” episode well that and many other colourful words to that effect. “crazy bitch”, psychotic bitch etc etc. We are best if I save you the details.
While my new found calm seems to get me through most of the month a few days prior to ovulation and almost a week before my bleed I am a total and utter nightmare. Even to myself I hate myself I feel like a total failure to my friends and family and most of all my husband.
I have always been emotional during these times but emotional these days is an understatement. I rant, I rave, I cry, kick and scream like a child, I sob uncontrollably, I demand, I give ultimatums, I quit jobs, break things, i experience an overwhelming sense of failure and isolation and most terrifying I have thoughts of self harm bordering on suicide.
I feel the anger and sadness pounding through my veins to the point where I feel I could explode.
It’s ruining my friendships and my marriage and I’m at a loss as to what to do about it.
I have a history of anxiety and depression but have not taken anything for it since Ivf treatment. I just wanted to be as chemical free as I could. The thing is I believe if this was my problem I would be feeling this way all month but I’m not just around ovulation and a week prior and during menstruation. I have looked into more natural remedies I have tried evening primrose, b vitamins, vitex, healthy fats such as flaxseed and fish oil, I rubbed wild yam cream on my skin for a while , I exercise, meditate and do yoga. The list goes on. Other then going on the pill ( what irony) I’m fresh out of ideas.
My husband is so sick of it and the only thing I can do is mark the calendar with sad faces on the days I will undoubtedly lose my shit at him because he looked at me the wrong way.
Any advice, self experience etc is very much welcome.
Thanks for listening.
Love to all.
Xxxx
J
Finding inspiration to go on is really hard at times and near impossible after experiencing a loss or upset through trying to conceive.
Some of you know I have recently found comfort in meditation, prayer and faith in the universe. While I understand this new age idea is not for everyone I ask you all to look at your life and ask yourself if you have something that you can retreat too when things turn pear shaped? If not find something whatever it maybe to inspire you, something you enjoy, something to occupy your time and bring comfort and pull you through. The possibilities are endless from religion to exercise, photography , knitting and beading. I have tried many and I’m so happy that I have found some things to help me.
Having something like this will pull you away from self sabotage and negative things like drugs, alcohol, binge eating and my personal favorite obsessive googling.
For those of you who believe in the divine I would like to share with you a message. Today I sat quietly and set the intention of getting a message for all of us in the Ivf twitterverse I pulled a card from an Angel deck. That card was Archangel Gabriel and to be honest I was not surprised by this. Gabriel is one of the 7 archangels of heaven arch meaning of high rank. His name means basically god is my strength.
Audrey (@courageandcurls) brought this up only yesterday with
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Gabriel is associated with the sacral chakra located just below the navel. This is where your creativity and confidence is based and how we feel about ourselves and others sexually. It also governs our reproductive organs and fertility.
It is orange in colour, it’s gemstone is citrine.
Gabriel is the famous angel who told Elizabeth and Mary of the impending births of their sons, John the Baptist and Jesus of Nazareth. As a result, Gabriel became known as the “Messenger” angel. Gabriel’s role continues in the world, helping both parents and human messengers.
Gabriel guides hopeful parents toward child conception or through the process of adopting a child. Gabriel gives strength and courage to these parents, and helps moms-to-be stay centered in blissful faith to create the best atmosphere for their baby. He is also known to assist in finding your Life’s purpose especially when this involves the arts or communication.
So pulling this card today holding the intention to bring you all a message I believe I share with you strength and courage on your journey and Hope to keep alive in your heart
I hope o haven’t weirded you all out too much .. Lol
Love to all.
Xxx J
Hello all.
Just a quick note to you all.
I hope everyone had a great Christmas and wish you all a happy new year with lots of pregnancies and take home babies.
These days I have been thinking less of my tedious struggle with fertility and more about the whole picture. Both good and bad news washes over me with the same flow and I often find myself thinking ” whatever”. I have stopped trying in vein to steer the car that is my life and have developed a sense of trust in the universe. Despite the harshness and pain of it I really believe all is as it should be and all is well.
Although the above paragraph paints my life as quite peaceful at the moment the truth is far from it. However, when is life all Rosie. Besides Rosie is bloody boring.
Let me point out my issues and associated emotions so we can all relate to the craziness that is Christmas. In no particular order.
– I am broke * panic*
-My hubbys grandfather died a few days before Xmas yet we weren’t told until boxing day. Meaning we weren’t at the funeral because we didn’t know there was one *guilt*
-we arrived home yesterday from visiting my dad in another state, I miss him already *sadness *
– My sister broke up with long term partner Xmas eve and is now borderline suicidal *worry*
-still no baby on the horizon *anger*
-various family feuds with SIL and mother that are just so ridiculous and unnecessary. * frustration*
-we are still facing court action for a monumental amount of money. Can’t get blood out of a stone guys * fear*
Upside now. I am alive, I am healthy… besides the off the wall amount of Christmas pudding and trifle I ate the past week. I have a warm bed and a hubby to snuggle and if I’m being really honest I feel the strongest I have in years. It’s all going to be just fine.
Happy 2012 everyone.
Love to all j. Xx
So here I am.
My posts are few and far between I know..
Another year is drawing to a close, the Christmas train coming hell for leather right for me an no baby as yet.
This is normally where I would make my usual woe is me rant. My life sucks.. Where’s my baby? Etc But I have turned a leaf.
I’m not talking about a miraculous mind altering new leaf. No. Just a new leaf a more vibrant green, earth loving leaf.
I have made a conscious decision to correct my negativity. It’s a slow process and at times I still find myself inwardly cursing the town bike and her under nourished children but I have started noticing my thoughts and how they effect me. So now when I find myself thinking why me? I do a 180 and think to myself how I love a challenge and that is truly what this is. A challenge, one that has made me stronger and for that I will be an even better mother.
I have been meditating a lot, using positive affirmations, exercising and distancing myself from things that trigger negativity in me.
It has helped. Infertility or as I like to call it being ” fertility challenged ” will consume you if you let it. Don’t let it.
I am no longer hoping I will have a baby. I am certain I will. I have decided to stop hoping and wishing and just go out there and get it.
I have been hoping for years. Time to try something new.
Sending out positivity to you all …
Lol I sound like Louise Haye.
Love to all
Xx Jess.
Kismet or Serendipity 