It never ceases to amaze me what people get worked up about. People being well me.
The other day I was so stressed about moving, today I am so frustrated with the weather. One minute the sun is out the next its pouring with rain outside… no warning. Meaning the stuff I had been working so hard on getting dry today is now all saturated and the energy I was saving on not turning the dryer on is now a thing of the past.
I have always envied those blissfully happy people. I’m sure you know the type. Maybe your even one of them. Those people who breeze through life with ease. Happy go lucky, never a frown. Where does it come from? Try as I might to develop this disposition it has long evaded my personality. Though lately I have started to really see how much a positive outlook and a ” can do” attitude can impact on life. I am a convert to what you put out you get back. I have been testing the theory its quite amazing really, you should give it a try.
Although I know all these things its still so hard at times to be Mrs Positive, Mrs Always land on her feet. I honestly think it does take more work to be negative but somedays I go that route anyway.
Worry, fear, anxiety and all in all negativity are deeply ingrained in me. My father, my mother my grandparents all had these traits. I believe the only difference between them and I is… I see it in myself, I feel myself falling into bouts of anxiety and I do my best to get up fighting.
What I’m trying to say is no ones all positive and no one is all negative and some times it pays to be a little bit of a pessimist. Its all about balance.
Love to all
xx J
I have this favourite song, its kind of a war cry for me. Its called ‘jump rope’ its about the up and downs of life. Its lyrics really speak to me both when I’m up and when I’m down. It says basically things will get hard but everything will eventually turn so you just got to push through.
At the moment I should really be on the upside. I have moved into a new house, its is beautiful everything I ever wanted. Yet I am feeling a bit sad.
I have always had anxiety any remotely stressful situation sets me off. Moving = stress and I’m feel anxious as anything. There are a few other things happening that are adding to it all but I wont go into it all.
I guess this blog is a call out to get a bit of help and advice on coping ideas. You think I would be experienced at it by now but my answer to it in the past has been medication. Which I really don’t want to do again.
At the moment its a bit of a fight between my logic and the anxiety. I know I should be happy, I know I have things to be happy for yet for some reason I cant manage to drag myself out of bed.
I love my husband and I know he loves me but he really doesn’t understand what I go through. He sees me laying about depressed and calls me ‘Lazy’, last night he told me I was the most negative person he has ever meet and that he is tired of me bringing us down. His opinion is if you worry that’s what you get … more worries. I tend to agree with him but I don’t know how to not worry. I cant switch it off. I sit and think about all the things that could go wrong and what will happen if they do, then I think about all the things that have gone wrong and dwell on what I should have done. Then I tell myself how hopeless I am and plead for things to get better. I wish my life away telling myself things like ‘when we move things will be better’ , when I have a baby everything will be great etc etc and it goes on and on and on.
I want to scream and sob, i know it wont do any good but I just want to. I cant cry in front of my husband. It deeply annoys him. I cry when he leaves for work.
What is wrong with me. Why cant I be happy and content with all I have?
Morning all,
I’m sitting at the hospital… No I’m not sick. Today is my last trial shift at Ronald MacDonald House. I’m really excited to get my red shirt today. Woot woot.
I got here a little early so I decided to sit and have a hot chocolate. Something above me made me look up and guess what I’m sitting under. The freaking doors to the birthing suites. For real of all the little corners I could have sat myself down it had to be this one. Argh!
I know you all understand that to a normal person this would mean nothing but to a fertility challenged women this is the universe taunting me. Laughing. Oh well at least my hot chocolate is nice.
I hope you all are doing well.
I haven’t been around to much mainly because not much is happening for me on the baby front.
C and I move on the 7th and I just can’t wait… Not long now. So much to do and organize. I can’t wait to pop done champagne in my new house and relax.
Wishing you all love and strength on your journeys.
Love to all
Xxx j
Hi,
Well here we are at our new begining, what we have been working towards for so long.
The house is sold… the new house is purchased, its really happening. We are moving on from the past. It has been a uphill battle from the start. Everything that could go wrong with buying and selling pretty much did. My mum told me the other day that she read somewhere that behind a death of a loved one the second most stressful thing a person can do is buy a new house. It sounds a bit dramatic but I do think its up there. somewhere.
Packing is a chore for most yet I am loving it. Letting go of the old and buying new is so refreshing. I didn’t realise how much emotional baggage comes along with hoarding things from the past. A weight has been lifted. I feel lighter. Carl has been struggling along, not doing any of the major things. I have been piling up stuff he needs to sort and he is doing so ever so painstakingly slow. I am doing my best to not get upset but at times my insecurities get the better of me especially watching him pining over things from his previous married life. He managed to bundle a big box of items and sent it off to Victoria’s parents. I know it was hard for him, he came home very red eyed and I wasn’t sure how to comfort him because a big part of me is kind of thinking ‘good riddance’ as horrible as that sounds. He told me later that he feels lighter too, he just wants to do the right thing with her stuff… What she wanted. He ended up reading a lot of her diary which must have been very hard for him. We talked about it before and we both agreed that she knew where she was at with her illness and if it was something she didn’t want him to read she would have done something about it.
Besides us moving on from Carl’s past, I have also let go of things too. There are lots of memories in this house for Carl but there are lots for me as well. All the IVF cycles, the miscarriage and the emotions that come with all that Letting go of this house will be a great cleansing its all that’s left to do really.. load the truck and wave good bye.
I know I have been neglecting my twitter friends of late, I just needed to distance myself from the whole thing and gain some perspective on the whole trying to conceive term oil. Some of you have asked me where I am at with it and the truth is pretty much where I started 3.5 years ago. Confused, frustrated, deeply heart broken but the impulse I once had to try and try again is fading. Carl and I have talked about maybe doing a frozen embryo transfer later this year after we settle in the new house but we will see. I would rather go on a holiday.
Sending you all baby dust and sticky vibes.
Love to all.
xx J
Hey Guys,
So as you know my husband and I have had the house on the market for a while now and in an effort to make things easier when we do move I have turned into the crazy cleaning lady from hell.
What I didnt see coming as I started ruthlessly tearing apart wardrobs was the secrets this house truly has and the place I have allowed myself to live in since I moved in with my husband a few years ago.
Now some of you may know the story but for those of you that dont I will breifly summarise. My husband is older then me and had a previous marriage. His first wife had a medical condition called cystic Fibrosis for those of you who havent heard of this. Cf is a condition which effecdts the lungs the life expectantcy of people with this condition is around 30. Women with this condition are usually considered barron and the amount of suffering that surround this illness is huge. Daily physio, relentless pain and struggles to breathe and many hospital visits. A sufferes only hope of a normal life is a full lung Transplant which is obviously like winning the lottery. Victoria my husbands first wife was sadly unable to be put on a transplant list as she caught a blood disease called cepacia during a hospital visit which rulled her out. Tor past away of pnemonia and complications of cf in 2001 at the age of 27. Although I knew this when I started dating my husband and have never felt entirely comfortable or at ease with the whole thing I learnt to push it away and be as sensitive and respectful as I could about it.
Until recently I didn’t know much really I knew she was smart, strong and loved life and of course I knew she loved my husband very much and he her.
Anyway back to the cleaning. So during my cleaning frenzy I came across some papers and notebooks written by Tor. Please dont judge me for what comes next… actually do.. I probably deserve it.
I read them, I couldn’t help it, it was a compulsive thing to do but I did it. it turned out to be well basically a diary of her life. Her relationship with Carl, her friendships and heart ache over fellow sufferes deaths and her struggle to survive. I wish I could take back the fact that I read them but I cant.
I was disturbed to read some similarities between us.. we both desperately want a baby, we both love tigers, we both find carl’s habit of shaking his leg before he falls asleep beyond annoying, she would write Carl letters and give him cards which I do all the time, she also sung him ‘you are my sunshine’ which I find myself doing at times to and the hardest of all to bare is she loved Carl more then life just like I do.
In the last few entries she clearly new her end was close as she humourisly joked of her ” end show’ she wrote about her funeral wishes her love for her family and carl.
Ready for the kicker…. I cant help but be glad she is gone and the guilt of this thought is overwhelming not to mention the others. I am jealous of a dead women… what kind of person does that make me? I often think things like ‘does he love me more?’ , I feel like I will only mean more to him when I have his child and well you all know how well that is turning out. The journals she wrote were written in this house ‘my house’, my lounge room, she cried in my bed room, she coughed until she passed out in my bathroom I cant stop thinking about it its doing my head in. I am creeped out and feel totally eerie and unwelcome in my house.
For those of you who are a bit into this kind of thing I spoke to a clairvoyant friend of mine about it and she said I was suppose to read them and that I am very sensitive of her presence in this house. She also said that she is jealous of me but because I am alive and she is not, she said that she is angry at me at times for getting so depressed and not living as ‘Life is for living’. Apparently I am also absorbing her energy that is still in this house and my dreams maybe affected,. I keep a dream diary and looking back through I was shocked to see that I had dreamed of things Tor had lived and written in her diary. OK so now I am beyond disturbed and a total zombie, I haven’t slept in days and cant stop crying and freaking out. My mind is a total mess. Carl doesn’t know what to do and I feel bad about that as I don’t mean to be punishing him for my own rubbish.
She is gone but she will always have a place with Carl and I am beyond jealous of that. I hate the idea of sharing and since I read such intimate details of their marriage that feeling has grown stronger and I have become totally and utterly overwhelmed with the whole thing.
I know I’m thinking to much and reading too much into all this but for now I cant help it or calm myself.
Im so glad to have an outlet like this to vent such craziness.
I hope this bubbling blog finds you all well.
Please comment and share your advice and or experiences.
Love to all
Hey tweeps.
I had another urge to pull a card for you all today so I thought I would share what I got.
I have a Archangel Michael oracle deck that I used and I pulled ” be gentle with yourself”. We are so hard on our bodies and minds through our journey to have babies. I think this is to remind us to be kind to ourselves and not just physically but mentally. Honor your sensitivity! we push ourselves so hard at times. I know I personally berate myself eg ” I’m a failure, not a women I can’t even fall pregnant. Etc. Yet I will eat all my veggies and make sure I drink enough water each day. Often the things we tell ourselves are just in our imagination but they damage us deeply. This card serves as a reminder to give yourself a break, know you are doing your best with the situation so slow down take a big deep breath and ” be good to yourself”
This card may also have a personal meaning for some eg
• remove yourself from harsh friendships/ relationships or situations that bring you down
• eat healthy and nourish your body
• avoid toxins
•have quiet time “slow down”
I hope you all get something from this.
Regards Jess.
Googling pmdd my Internet / auto correct changed it to omfg. Which is kind of fitting because that’s what my husband says when I have a “hormonal” episode well that and many other colourful words to that effect. “crazy bitch”, psychotic bitch etc etc. We are best if I save you the details.
While my new found calm seems to get me through most of the month a few days prior to ovulation and almost a week before my bleed I am a total and utter nightmare. Even to myself I hate myself I feel like a total failure to my friends and family and most of all my husband.
I have always been emotional during these times but emotional these days is an understatement. I rant, I rave, I cry, kick and scream like a child, I sob uncontrollably, I demand, I give ultimatums, I quit jobs, break things, i experience an overwhelming sense of failure and isolation and most terrifying I have thoughts of self harm bordering on suicide.
I feel the anger and sadness pounding through my veins to the point where I feel I could explode.
It’s ruining my friendships and my marriage and I’m at a loss as to what to do about it.
I have a history of anxiety and depression but have not taken anything for it since Ivf treatment. I just wanted to be as chemical free as I could. The thing is I believe if this was my problem I would be feeling this way all month but I’m not just around ovulation and a week prior and during menstruation. I have looked into more natural remedies I have tried evening primrose, b vitamins, vitex, healthy fats such as flaxseed and fish oil, I rubbed wild yam cream on my skin for a while , I exercise, meditate and do yoga. The list goes on. Other then going on the pill ( what irony) I’m fresh out of ideas.
My husband is so sick of it and the only thing I can do is mark the calendar with sad faces on the days I will undoubtedly lose my shit at him because he looked at me the wrong way.
Any advice, self experience etc is very much welcome.
Thanks for listening.
Love to all.
Xxxx
J
Finding inspiration to go on is really hard at times and near impossible after experiencing a loss or upset through trying to conceive.
Some of you know I have recently found comfort in meditation, prayer and faith in the universe. While I understand this new age idea is not for everyone I ask you all to look at your life and ask yourself if you have something that you can retreat too when things turn pear shaped? If not find something whatever it maybe to inspire you, something you enjoy, something to occupy your time and bring comfort and pull you through. The possibilities are endless from religion to exercise, photography , knitting and beading. I have tried many and I’m so happy that I have found some things to help me.
Having something like this will pull you away from self sabotage and negative things like drugs, alcohol, binge eating and my personal favorite obsessive googling.
For those of you who believe in the divine I would like to share with you a message. Today I sat quietly and set the intention of getting a message for all of us in the Ivf twitterverse I pulled a card from an Angel deck. That card was Archangel Gabriel and to be honest I was not surprised by this. Gabriel is one of the 7 archangels of heaven arch meaning of high rank. His name means basically god is my strength.
Audrey (@courageandcurls) brought this up only yesterday with
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Gabriel is associated with the sacral chakra located just below the navel. This is where your creativity and confidence is based and how we feel about ourselves and others sexually. It also governs our reproductive organs and fertility.
It is orange in colour, it’s gemstone is citrine.
Gabriel is the famous angel who told Elizabeth and Mary of the impending births of their sons, John the Baptist and Jesus of Nazareth. As a result, Gabriel became known as the “Messenger” angel. Gabriel’s role continues in the world, helping both parents and human messengers.
Gabriel guides hopeful parents toward child conception or through the process of adopting a child. Gabriel gives strength and courage to these parents, and helps moms-to-be stay centered in blissful faith to create the best atmosphere for their baby. He is also known to assist in finding your Life’s purpose especially when this involves the arts or communication.
So pulling this card today holding the intention to bring you all a message I believe I share with you strength and courage on your journey and Hope to keep alive in your heart
I hope o haven’t weirded you all out too much .. Lol
Love to all.
Xxx J
So its past midnight and here I am blogging. Your probably wondering why … Well I will tell you and no it’s not insomnia or even stress. That’s not to say I’m not stressed just that stress for the most part does not effect my sleeping patterns. I’m usually a great sleeper.
The reason I am laying here awake is ovulation. Yes that’s right ovulation. I have finally worked out why once a month I have a sleepless night.
I have been so focused on Af symptoms and due dates that I failed to see the signs of ovulation. I have only been observing it since I downloaded this iPhone app called Ptracker around a year ago. It’s basically a diary app for your periods. It’s great, every day I have been writing notes and month by month looking back and comparing so far I have discovered some strange symptoms and signs that happen over my cycle. I am blogging about them because I want to compare them to your cycles out there.
A warning .. What follows is graphic, Reading on is not for the faint hearted or those easily disgusted.
My Ovulation symptoms in no particular order include
Excess saliva which causes me to dribble in my sleep, clear my throat when I’m awake and I will go as far as saying gives me the urge to spit. anxiety that deeply plagues me I worry about everything and try to find solutions and work myself up into a right tizzy, headaches and stiffness in neck, itchy vagina (charming right), tiny little raised bumps/pimples on my upper arms, a single pimple on my butt (always in the same spot) slight constipation, slight nausea which is brief, flatulence which my husband refers to as my mating call, a higher then normal temperature then a sleepless night. All these are on top of the usual tender boobs, stringy clear discharge, bloating and ovulation pain.
I think I have finally worn myself out and may actually sleep now.
I hope I haven’t grossed you all out too much but I am interested to know if any of you have some or all of my symptoms. Please comment and pass on.
Love to all
Xxx J
Kismet or Serendipity 